My Dear Annie and Todd,

I am writing you this letter because I’ve realized that you both think I’m nothing but a psychotic control freak. You couldn’t be farther off from the truth! What you see as me being an overbearing burden is actually a mother who cares far too much and whose intentions come off wrong because she tries so hard. I want nothing more than to see my beautiful daughter Annie be with the man of her dreams. Though Annie, you must admit, stealing a man from a woman who used to be in the mental ward was a stupid choice. Come on, I taught you to be wiser than that! But that’s not the point, I want you to know you can turn to me when you make these dumb choices. If you gave me the chance, you’d realize the wisdom I have to bestow. Next, my handsome and talented Todd–you are such a good writer. I apologize for flipping out on you about that gay parade article. I’ll find a more gentle approach to get you to admit your true sexuality next time. Anyway, if you are gay, you don’t have to worry. I love you and will search heaven and earth for a way to fix you. Though you may not realize it now, that is not the kind of life to be living. I hope after you two read this letter you’ll feel guilty about the way you’ve treated me. However, I know I will find the strength to forgive because that is what mothers do.

From the depths of my loving heart,

Your Mother, Nina